Watching:The Aristocrats. Sweet. Baby. Jesus.
Hello my ducklings, how are you today? Well that's good to hear. Now, I have some very important lessons to depart to you today, and I hope you're in the mood to listen, because I don't feel like repeating myself. Are you ready? Are you listening? Good.
Everything I've ever needed to know in life, I've learned from Disney movies.
Okay, seriously, stop laughing, it's true. I'm not talking about the movies that they make now over the course of three years with a team of 100 animators working furiously at their computers designing yet another computerized monstrosity of shit. Okay, other than Finding Nemo and Meet the Robinsons. Sorry, but it's true. Most of what Disney puts out now is just packaged shit. Flaming piles of it thrown at kids to try and keep their attention long enough for mom to have a break, which subsequently makes her think her kids have learned something and therefore she should just purchase whatever shit has that movie's characters plastered all over it. This doesn't apply to Kung Fu Panda though, because I love that movie. And it's not Disney. And I hear Wall E's cute too, but I can't say for sure, so for right now the tirade stands.
The movies I'm talking about my friends are the ones that were drawn by hand. On paper. And before 1999. These are the movies starring some of my favourite fictional people, from mermaids to warriors to Indian princesses. Now, props to Walt for having female "leads" in his older movies, but Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty can suck my balls. Sorry, but honestly, they were so deviated from the fairy tales that I have a hard time watching them, let alone trying to restrain myself from punching Snow White in the face when she starts singing to woodland creatures. SERIOUSLY.
The Disney movies that I love came out in that most important segments of childhood, before you're too old to stop going to movies with your parents (although that stage generally lasts until you're about 19 and you start realizing how much time you wasted as a teenager being sullen. Hasn't happened yet? It's coming folks, trust me...unless you really do hate your parents, then probably not.) They came out before I could string together a bunch of swear words into a coherent insult, before I would look at a guy on TV and think "I'd hit that", before I even knew what a penis was other than a naughty word *teehee*.
My FAVOURITE princesses, the ones I would secretly wish I could be in between wanting to be the green Power Ranger (I'm dead serious, he was ALL KINDS of kickass) and taking flying kicks at girl's shins on a soccer pitch were the ones who actually had something resembling a *shocked gasp* ATTITUDE. Yeah, that's right bitches, my girls had style, grace, dignity, and big swinging cajones. They could handle a sword with the best of them, they would canoe off fucking waterfalls like it was cake, and they had no problem pole vaulting over rooftops in a dusty Arabian city. They were powerful, but they were also vulnerable and this is why I loved them. And along the way they also imparted a few important lessons about life.
Lets start at the beginning. Ariel, the girl who longs for something more than what she was handed in life. She has a pretty sweet deal, the youngest and definitely most beloved daughter of Triton, a literal princess, she spent her days chilling with her fish friend and singing some kickass Caribbean showtunes. But she longed for change, for adventure, for a chance to be something more. She saw the beauty in what we would consider mundane everyday crap, simple objects, and she saw that things could be more than they are. We ascribe such high expectations on ourselves, let ourselves get caught up in what we're told is right, when if we could only let ourselves dream we could find new avenues, new adventures. We could finally become those bright young women, sick of swimmin', ready to stand that we've always been. And yes, while she does change to get the guy, Eric can't really come live in the ocean, it doesn't work that way. And besides, Eric still loved her when she was a mermaid. Also, he was smoking hot, JUST saying.
Belle. Ah Belle. She teaches every girl a lesson that we all inevitably forget, and that's to look past the exterior and see the beauty that shines within (although lets be honest here, how many girls have actually thought Beast was a LOT more awesome than his "real" self). Belle didn't start out as a princess, she was a simple peasant girl who loved to read (okay, anyone who knows me knows that's the first and best way to endear yourself to me). She loved her father, and willingly sacrificed herself on the mercy of this horrid Beast so he could be free. But she was often misunderstood and lonely, looked upon as strange, no question, by the other people in her village. She was different, and that's part of what got her into the situation she ended up in. Because she really was different than all the other girls. They would have gladly sacrificed their fathers to save themselves from being at the mercy of a Beast, and they certainly wouldn't have loved him enough to set him free of his curse. Belle was kind and generous and patient, oh so patient, to deal with so stubborn a man. She refused to let herself become cold and bitter, to stop herself from loving him. Of course he turned out to be a hot guy in the end, but I like to think that she wouldn't have stopped loving him regardless.
Then there was Jasmine. She kind of gets overshadowed by Aladdin since, you know, the movie isn't called Jasmine. BUT, she sneaks out of the palace to get her kicks, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and eventually gets the man that she wants anyway. Okay, so maybe she's not the BEST example, but she does nicely illustrate your stereotypical teenager. That totally counts for something. PLUS she totally refused to bang the old bald guy, BIG UPS SISTER!
Pocahontas is seriously overlooked as a princess, possibly because that movie is seriously overlooked in the Disney lexicon. I mean, it came out after Lion King, which was really the LAST Disney blockbuster. Nothing could top it (especially not in my heart, I LOVE YOU SIMBA!) so when you try and teach kids about how the white man raped the lands of the natives with their lust for gold you can tell how they might have been overreaching. But Pocahontas was kickass man! She was athletic (all that canoeing, and the cliff diving! Shit son), she was attuned to nature, and she was GORGEOUS. Also, sidenote, the ONLY Disney character I've ever seen with a tattoo....who is female, I guess I should say. She also defies conventions by being part of a *shocked gasp* INTERRACIAL COUPLE! Why, nothing so scandalous has since been seen in Disney history (except, maybe, for Nemo coming from a single parent household). She was proud of who she was and was willing to protect the man she loved even at the expense of her tribe's well being. And, contrary to everything Disney believe in, THEY DON'T END UP TOGETHER. There isn't a happily ever after there is just a continuing love between two people who can no longer be together, making it surprisingly realistic. And no, the fucking shitty sequels don't count.
Finally, last but CERTAINLY not least, there is Mulan. I honestly think it's this movie that's made me more receptive to Asian culture (yes, I know they probably got most of it wrong, but STILL) particularly the beauty that exists in the landscape. Even though it's now a decaying wreck of Communist fail, no matter what the Olympics may tell you. She COMPLETELY defied convention, she joined the military (woot!), and she was responsible for the death of the most feared man in CHINA. Fucking CHINA yo! She gets completely shot down by her man then rises above it to save the nation when her heart is completely broken. That's strength.
Okay, so Disney kind of gives with one hand and then takes with the other, because in every Disney movie there has to be a happy ending or else it's just not right. The guy always gets his girl, generally by doing something heroic that takes our princess down a peg because sometimes these princes are just kind of...debatable. But these lessons clearly have stuck. Or, you know, resurfaced because Jaime and I were singing Disney songs at work. Also an option.
