There's Been Times I Thought I Couldn't Last For Long But Now I Think I'm Able To Carry On

Mood: Slightly anxious with a hint of nausea
Watching: My brains slowly circle down the drain because I can't remember shit

Chuck Part 4

Question 4: Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of almost 85, and -most notably- a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Answer: Hell no!
For multiple reasons.
1) This gorilla, while very intelligent for a gorilla, is pretty dumb for a person, sad but true. Like Tom Jackson hypothetically says, this monkey could be susceptible to misdirection which is a major part of football. It'd be a big guy standing in the back row who lets all the other guys run circles around him.
2) 700 pounds is a lot bigger than most football players, who tend to top out at probably 300 before they actually lose the ability to run for more than a minute each game. That monkey hits you and you are FUCKED, regardless of whether or not he intentionally meant to hurt you. The same applies on the reverse. It'd be like running into a hairy, smelly brick wall.
3) Gorillas do this thing where, when angered, they charge and trample whatever's in their way. You can't take away millenia of instinct. So piss this monkey off enough with your misdirection and, again, y'all be fucked.
4) The members of the Raiders would have to learn sign language in order for the gorilla to be able to effectively communicate. That means that if any of their opponents know sign language they can figure out what the hell they're planning, which totally defeats the purpose of having a play book.
5) The problem with being self aware is that you are aware of more complex emotions like frustration, which sucks but is part of any kind of sporting event, particularly if you're losing. No one wants a frustrated and depressed gorilla, come on now.

Sorry monkey, no dice.