Don't Hesistate Now Honey, Or It Will All Fall Down

Mood: WAY too depressed to be studying
Considering: Flinging herself down a flight of stairs so she can avoid going to her exam tomorrow

So I've spent most of the day (about eight hours actually) procrastinating in the most ridiculous ways possible (ie lurking the blogs of people I barely even know going back like a year, watching random clip videos people made from cute moments from super gay movies, eating). I just don't want to study for my film exam, which is STUPID because I really REALLY need to study for this bitch (and Comm...fucking Comm!!!!!!!!). Now you might think that talking about film is all kinds of fun but it's not. I suck at it. I can't find meanings in a scene, I just enjoy it. I HATE TALKING ABOUT FILM! WHY DID I TAKE A FILM CLASS! ARRGGGH!

I also have this fear, this supposedly irrational and insane fear, that I'm going to become one of those people who is always ALWAYS angry. Not like certain people I work with at the theatre who are basically just cunts with anger problems, but like constantly simmering away. Which of course is a terrible terrible thing considering my family's long history of heart problems (on both sides mind you). I think I might have been born lacking the ability to control my anger, which is pretty evident if you've ever seen me angry. I'm quick to get pissed and while I can generally back it down all it takes is one little thing to set me off again. Anger is probably one of my easiest emotions to feel because a) I do it all the time and b) It doesn't seem to cost me anything when it happens. But it does cost me in the end because I'll say something stupid that winds up hurting someone I love, or I'll do something that pisses someone off and then refuse to admit I did anything wrong because, hey, still angry. I don't deal with it well, and I tend to bottle it all up inside as much as possible, which, as anyone who has done this before knows, isn't healthy and generally results in minor explosions of wrath. Generally at the worst possible times, generally in front of people who you NEVER want to see you like that. There have been MULTIPLE occasions in my life where I've actually been so angry I can't sleep, and considering how badly my mind rambles when I'm trying to fall asleep, it's about 100000000000 times worse when I'm angry. Bring on the sleeping meds man...

I think a lot of this is coming from the fact that a) I'm in a high stress situation right now (ie exams) b) Things aren't really working out for me at the moment (ie job) and c) I don't really have anyone to talk to because pretty much everyone I know is going through the same things right now. Dumping my problems on everyone else might help me, but it sure as hell doesn't help them. See, this is where boyfriends (or good ones anyway) are helpful because you can vent to them and their natural response is cuddling. Bitch needs a cuddle right about now......Kitty? Bondage Bear? Anyone?......I'm all alone, there's no one here beside meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Ah fuck it, who cares. School's done in a week REGARDLESS, fuck the theatre, fuck money, FUCK ALL THIS SHIT!

Hey, maybe anger's good for something after all...